Hello Friends and Family-
It's hard to believe that it has already been 4 weeks since our last appointment. We both feel that these weeks have just flown by. Today's appointment was our shortest and we have the least to share, but still wanted to keep you all updated. Not to mention it's perfect napping weather in Nashville right now, and I'd like to get one in before Jane-girl wakes up.
Today, we had our regular, every 4 week ultrasound and then met with our MFM doctor, Dr. Newton. Blake has been, and continues to be, in the breech position. This isn't a huge deal, but at the same time it is something I would like to see change in the next 4 weeks. Dr. Newton gave us every reason to hope that he could still turn himself if he wants to, but if not, we will be talking more along the lines of a C-section. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't a huge deal, and not something we are super concerned about. At the same time, I would love to hope for a normal labor and delivery experience and not have to worry about a C-section on top of everything else (something to pray for if you think about it :). Being breech also makes him harder to get good images of, so we weren't able to get great pictures today, but the doctor saw everything he needed to. Blake is growing as he should be (in keeping with his history), and his measurements are all proportionally the same. There truly was no new news today, and we are thankful for that at this point. His chest and lungs are still the big question mark, and the only way we will know anything is after he takes his first breath. So. Here we are. One little day at a time until delivery day :).
These past weeks have for sure flown by, but at the same time I think they have been some of the saddest and hardest for both me and Rob. I think we have both really faced the reality that things might not go as we all hope for little Blake... that we might not really know our little boy. It's a very hard reality to wrestle with or even try to understand. It feels very unfair, and makes NO sense to us at all. As I'm sure we all know, there are no answers, nothing to say that makes it better. And that is a messy place to find yourself. I think, even in the messiness, that we have both known the peace and love people have prayed over us. To be honest, there are times it feels impossible to pray ourselves, or even to know what to begin to pray. I truly believe God knows our hearts, and that He meets us right where we are. I know He is near to us, and is carrying us through what has been the hardest time in our lives. I know He is only going to continue to do this, equipping us one day, one moment at a time.
Christmas season is in full swing, and I can already tell that January 19th will be here before we know it. In some ways, I am NOT ready. I want to just stay pregnant forever, where Blake is happy and healthy and moving around. And at the same time, I know we are both ready to know what we are actually facing. We are ready to take the next step in this process, which is meeting our baby boy, and then getting a better picture of what his future may look like. The term "mixed emotions" seems pretty appropriate right now. Please continue to pray for us in all the same ways... For our marriage, that we would continue to love one another, extending grace as much as possible, and be able to open and authentic with each other. We really have been able to love one another well in all of this, and I am so thankful. Also, for our sweet Jane, that we would know how to parent her in all this. It is perhaps one of the most painful things for me... to know how to talk about Blake, and prepare her for a baby brother, when she may not really ever get to know him. I struggle with this for myself daily... how to prepare for this little life that has been given to us, but I have no idea for how long. It feels pretty heavy to elaborate on this any more, but I feel confident you all hear my heart in this...
We wish you all the merriest of Christmas seasons. Advent has taken on a new meaning for me this year... preparing my heart in many different ways. I pray it is a sweet season for your families as well, and we would be able to see ALL the things we have been given, and focus on and celebrate those things.
Rob, Lara and Jane